The Pretty Little What-the-heck-just-happened Finale: A Recap

Alert, you are about to see some major spoilers. In fact, we basically are about to tell you the whole plot so stop reading if you’re not into that. You’ve been warned… -A

Plenty of WTF happened during the summer finale of Pretty Little Liars, but let’s cut right to what’s important: Ali’s alive and Ezra is (apparently) A. If I didn’t have trust issues before (I did), I definitely have them now. Let’s get to recapping — then call me and we’ll see if we can get a group discount on therapy.

The Liars receive a series of threatening packages from A that essentially say if Hanna’s mom goes free, you’re all f*****. Ashley’s charges are dropped and now Cece is being identified as the main suspect in Wilden’s murder. So, the gifts keep on coming! One package–a miniature coffin with the American Girl Doll version of Mona in it sent the Liars on a wild Bitch chase for Mona who ended up being safe and sound at a bed & breakfast in a town that has yet to receive a spin-off series where she gets a visit from Shana who is also up to who knows what. A’s packages lead them to a magic/mime/performance art piece show in, where else but Ravenswood, where Aria is called up on stage to participate in a magic trick which she was hesitant about until the wizard of everything, Spencer, assured her it would be A-OK. While the Liars are watching Charlemagne make Aria disappear, A performs a trick of his (!) own and makes Emily disappear. This sends the Liars on another chase, but this time for Emily, who they find locked inside of a wooden coffin, in a saw mill, on a conveyor belt about to hit a giant saw. Because, of course. The Liars get there just in time, because A failed to remember to take Emily’s phone, and stop the coffin from getting sawed in half. So much magic I might cancel my trip to Vegas in later this year.

But wait, there’s more! While there, they spot Red Coat and, wait, another Red Coat?! Yes. Two. Naturally, Spencer chases after one while Aria (in heels perfectly suited for running and chasing) chases after the other. Hanna stays behind to help Emily out of the box–much like she helped her out of the closet. It was truly a full-circle moment for all of us. Moving on, Aria roundhouse kicks Red Coat #1 to the face, once again reminding us that yes, she is dating a martial arts guru/sexpot and also knocking off Red Coat’s Ali mask to reveal – gasp! –Cece Drake…duh. She tries to get away but ends up falling to what seemed like her death, but then got back up again. So, obviously Cece is a robot built by the A team.

Spencer couldn’t catch Red Coat #2, but did end up in A’s Lair, which is where she brought the Liars later on. It was pretty creepy…you know, with giant photos of Ali and timelines of essentially every character to ever walk into The Brew, or Rosewood in general, and looked to me like it could have just been the PLL writer’s room. Close attention to detail – and then no follow up. But alas…

A tip, though: if the Liars want to know who A is they should probably just head to the nearest Kinkos and find out who has been racking up quite the printing tab. I’m no detective, but hey neither are they.

The Liars find a wardrobe full of men’s suits; letters; bank account information that reveals A had some
kind of payroll which Cece was on; a weird, old looking space/chemical spill clean-up crew suit and a flyer for a party happening that night in Ravenswood. How fortuitous! The girls are right on time. The girls set out for the shindig when they’re stopped by Ms. Grunwald (!) who warns them not to go after Ali for her own safety because HE will find her. He, most likely A — and most likely Ezra — is hoping the Liars will lead him to her because he knows she’s actually alive and in hiding. You see, according to Ms. Grunwald, she WAS the woman Ali kept calling the summer she disappeared because she had the gift of insight and wanted to know who had been threatening her. When Grunwald got to Ali’s the night she disappeared, she saw her hand reaching up from the dirt and pulled her to safety. Again, these characters just have the best timing. She then took her to the hospital where she disappeared. Grunwald never went after her because she knew she didn’t want to be found. The Liars decide, regardless of what Grunwald says, that they need to crash that party – you know, for plot continuation and sheer ridiculousness, I mean to save their once-dead-now-alive-and-in-hiding best friend (who was kind of a bitch when she was alive but who cares about that anyway?).

Meanwhile, back at A’s Lair, we see a figure dressed in all black. It’s EZRA FITZ. Yes, #Ezria hearts broke all over the world – especially after that little reconciliation at the brew we saw earlier in the episode. And upon making some kind of realization (we’re not quite sure what but can assume he knows someone found the lair), he punches the cabinet full o’ suits. Then someone, again, we’re assuming it’s Ezra, suits up in that ancient gas/chemical/space/sewage hazmat suit and heads out to the party.

Side notes:

• Ashley Marin is free to go out with/consummate her affair with Pastor Ted after Travis clears her name and murder charges are dropped against her. Fewf. Sigh of relief for Team Marin.
• Hanna is amazed by magic and just doesn’t get how it works or what it is – which is pretty consistent with how she acts about everything in every episode.
• A has NO idea how Magic 8 Balls work. You’re supposed to shake them to reveal a message, not just have the message there waiting for you. Silly, A.
• Emily’s French is pretty terrible. And no one told her during her summer in Haiti that Haitian French is not French French. Dialects, ladies, dialects. More reasons why these girls should focus on class, education, college.
• Spencer is good at magic. Spencer is good at everything. Spencer, Spencer, Spencer.
• Wren is apparently moving back in with Melissa.
• Rosewood has THE WORST news coverage ever. Which really isn’t all that surprising considering all the rest of the weird things that happen there that are considered “normal.”
• That mime-magician, The Great Charlemagne, looked a little bit like Ali with a whole lot of face paint

Now that we’ve got the major plot points out of the way, let’s evaluate. So pick your jaw up and roll your tongue back into your mouth because it’s time to try and figure out what exactly this all means. For starters, let’s do a little “couples catch up” shall we?

Spencer and Toby
After admitting to Toby at the hoedown that she told her friends about the ongoing investigAtion of his mother’s death, Spencer is unsure of the status of both her relationship, and Toby himself which we see
based on her bazillion, anal-retentive outgoing calls to him that have elicited no response. This is because Toby essentially drowned in his tears, which reveals how Jenna ended up face down in the lake a few episodes ago. Kidding. (But really, how did she end up in that lake?) Then Toby finds a package slip left behind at Da Brew by Shana addressed to Wren c/o Melissa Effin’ Hastings, and he’s like “oh yeah, my mom’s ALREADY dead but if I don’t do something now then someone else will die and all of Rosewood will disappear into the Eyes O’ Toby River.” Then he calls Spencer. Relationship saved!

Emily and Paige
Emily’s house is still, well, not a home so while her mom is God knows where at this point, and Emily no longer wants to stay with Ali’s mom, Paige asks Emily to stay with her until things are figured out. Emily agrees and the two of them cuddle and watch a movie, but with the door open because, as we learned, Paige’s father will just yell “DOOR” if it’s closed.

Aria and Jake…and Ezra
Aria totally wants to go to poetry night at The Brew but Jake is like nah, yo, chill, let’s watch a movie. So they watch a movie and Jake falls asleep then goes home. Also apparently all of these girls are into film noir – but Jake isn’t. Then Aria ends up at The Brew and Ezra is there BECAUSE HE IS LITERALLY ALWAYS THERE WHY HAS NO ONE CAUGHT ON TO THIS BY NOW?! So they run into each other and start talking and remembering how things used to be and Aria’s problems with her poetry and all of his cute little vests and then Aria kisses him. #EZRIA HAS RISEN!

Hanna and Caleb
After helping Hanna through such a difficult time, Ashley grants Caleb permission to call her Ashley after the charges have been dropped. That’s really it.

The biggest mystery in my mind is WTF does Shana have to do with any of this? She came to Rosewood, started working at a costume shop and then was EVERYWHERE. All over, all the time, always. She’s crushing on Jenna, she’s crushing Emily’s chances at a scholarship, she’s sending packages to Wren and she’s visiting Mona. We don’t know much about her…and that’s what scares me the most.

One final thought. Can Ezra REALLY be A? I call bullshit. Remember when Toby and Spencer finally had sex and everyone who had been rooting for them to do so since, well, forever was cringing because we knew Toby was on the A Team but Spencer had no idea thus leading to impending heartbreak? Well, Ezra finally got Aria back. They kissed in The Brew and everything seemed to be coming up Ezria and now we see that Ezra is A? It can’t be. For starters, the guy only listens to vinyl albums, only watches movies in black and white, and reads a lot of books. Swoon. Although, A was always listening to some funky, old-timey music…

FWIW, I think Ezra made a deal with the devil, the same way Toby did. I think he wanted to know just what was going on with Aria, ended up in the wrong places at the wrong time and ended up on A’s payroll. But what I’m unsure of is why is he so obsessed with Ali? Did she break his heart? Ruin his career? If so, Aria better WATCH OUT because otherwise there’s a giant poster of her hanging in a random apartment somewhere in her future. And if Ezra IS A, what could he possibly know about Toby’s mom? While some little things check out there are still a lot of holes. Not to mention, the flyer for the party the Liars set out to in Ravenswood had a hand-written note on it that said “11:PM.” If Ezra IS A and wrote that note, he’s a pretty terrible English teacher. It’s 11:00 PM or 11 PM or 11:00 PM, not 11:PM. Like, what is that? C’mon Ezra! Get your Fitz together!

But if Ezra ISN’T A, then who is? Lastly, if he IS A, then which do you think he’s more pissed about–finding out he’s not Malcolm’s father after “falling in love with him” or having his lair found by the Liars? Hmm, something to ponder.

As for Ali being alive, this is totally believable–well, as far as believability in Rosewood goes. But it does leave the question of whose funeral they attended in season one. Could it have been Ali’s twin? A heavy wheel of cheese? A hand-crafted doll?

Then there’s Mona whose on-again-off-again allegiance to the Liars got me twisted! She’s out of Radley and at a B&B with Shana. I guess she missed being allowed visitors and was desperate at this point? Or is something more going on? Now that Jenna’s gone for a bit is Shana trying to move in on Mona? And how rude was it for her not to show up to her French Club “Welcome Back from Crazy Town Part 2″ party? THEY EVEN HAD CROISSANTS! That B&B must be serving up one heck of a breakfast for her to have missed out on that extravaganza. Speaking of French, the text the Liars all received after they discovered Emily was missing was in French—Leger de Main (slight of hand). Perhaps Mona hasn’t left the dark side afterall.

Here are my hopes for the second half:

• Ezra isn’t really A. There’s something else going on here.
• Caleb FINALLY cuts his hair
• Toby stops crying – or we figure out why we’re only just now being made to care about his mom drama.
• Shana just goes back to wherever she came from after revealing every bit of information that she knows.
• Mona tries a cronut.

For now, we must play the waiting game once again until October 22^nd when the PLL Halloween special airs. So, yeah, is it Halloween yet?

By Allie Ditkowich